


Postquam Post Mortem

by BlueNeutrino



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Supernatural, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Crossover, Gen, Parody, and utter disdain for sparklepires, featuring a Spike/Benny bromance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-06
Updated: 2014-09-06
Packaged: 2018-02-16 08:59:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2263689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueNeutrino/pseuds/BlueNeutrino
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Benny dies in Purgatory, he'd thought he'd be dead for good. What he hadn't expected was to wake up again in a world where vampires are nothing like he's ever seen before. Semi-crack fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Postquam Post Mortem

**Author's Note:**

> This is pretty much semi-crack fic about what happens to SPN-verse vampires when they die in Purgatory and Whedonverse vampires when they die on Earth. I mean, it's kind of silly, but there's meant to be a plot. The timelines aren't really consistent since the characters are parallel universe-hopping anyway, and it doesn't take into account the BtVS comics. So, this pretty much just supposes Spike's likeliest fate at the end of Not Fade Away. I thought Benny and Spike would get along, so I wanted to have them both facing the Twilight-verse together. It should be interesting to see what they make of it.

Benny knew this was going to happen sooner or later. He had a lot of enemies in Purgatory and it was only a matter of time before he got his head cut off. What he hadn't expected to happen afterwards was to wake up again, in yet another forest, although this one was decidedly more vibrant and colorful than before.

The vampire picked himself up and looked around, wondering where the hell he was. He'd expected that when you died in Purgatory, that was it: over for good. But apparently, that wasn't the case. He was just about to take a few steps and begin exploring when he heard a rustling of leaves behind him.

Immediately, Benny spun round, fangs about to bare and preparing for another threat, but he paused as his gaze landed upon a figure approaching him through the shadows of the trees. It was a man who appeared to be in his early thirties, with peroxide blond hair and wearing a black leather duster – unusual apparel for the circumstances, Benny thought – and his hands were raised in a pacifying gesture. "Whoa, easy there, mate." When he spoke, he had a distinct English accent.

Benny held off on attacking, instead sniffing the air and listening intently. He couldn't detect a heartbeat, and the man had a familiar scent that Benny knew to associate with the undead. "You a vampire?" he asked tentatively, his confusion growing by the minute.

The other man nodded, the look on his face showing just as much bewilderment as Benny felt. For a moment, he appeared to do the same listening and smelling that Benny just had. "Yeah. You?"

Benny confirmed it. "Yeah. Uh…if you don't mind me asking, what am I doing here?"

"I was just about to ask you that."

Right. So that looked like there were two vampires stuck here, both equally perplexed. Benny gave a helpless shrug. "I don't know, brother. I was in Purgatory. Just got my head cut off; then I woke up here."

The other man raised an eyebrow. "Purgatory, huh? Well, I was in Los Angeles, fighting a dragon. Just got bloody chargrilled."

"So, we both just died?"

The blond vampire nodded. "Looks like it. Does that make this vampire heaven, or something?"

"Somehow I doubt it, brother." They both cast uneasy looks about them, taking in the surrounding trees that were distinctly different from anything Benny had seen in Purgatory, although the foliage up above was thick enough to cast them both in a similar kind of perpetual dimness.

When they both seemed to realise they weren't going to get any answers just by looking, the blond decided to introduce himself. "The name's Spike, by the way."

"Benny."

They didn't shake hands, but Spike took a step closer. "Right. So, Benny, now what? Where the hell do you think we are?"

" _Hell_ might just be it."

"With all these trees? I was expecting more a traditional fire and brimstone sort of thing."

"So was I. Maybe we should take a look a…" That sentence trailed off as an unexpected scent drifted into his nose. Benny paused and sniffed the air. "You smell that?" he asked Spike.

Spike did. "Yeah, that smells like… _human?"_

Now they were both even more confused. How had two dead-then-dead-again vampires ended up in a place inhabited by humans? Unless this actually _was_ vampire heaven where they got a free range hunting ground, but somehow Benny doubted it. "That's mighty strange. Maybe we should check it out?"

Spike agreed and they both began to head apprehensively in the direction of the scent. They still had no clue where they were or how they'd gotten here, but they hoped that maybe this would help them find out. Or it could just confuse them further.

It wasn't long before they found themselves approaching a place where the trees opened out into a meadow, where pale sunlight streamed down onto the open space. It illuminated two figures who were stood apparently in conversation: one a man, dark skinned and dreadlocked, and the other a petite girl with chestnut brown hair falling across her shoulders. At this distance, Benny couldn't distinguish from the scents if both of them were human or not.

He exchanged a glance with Spike and nodded in the direction of the meadow. "Not saying it'll help, but we could try asking them where we are."

He was continuing to walk in the direction of the two figures, but Spike protested. "Hang on just a second, mate. I know we both just died already, but I'm not about to walk right out into direct sunlight."

Benny gave him a funny look. "Why not? It's not like it'll kill ya."

Spike returned his expression with one that was similar. "Well, maybe, but from my experience it'll still hurt like a bitch."

Benny had no idea what he meant by that, but he was more interested in finding out where they were. He cast a glance in the direction of the figures again to see that they were now standing in shadow. "Well, it's clouded over now, anyway. Come on."

They continued closer until the scents of both figures were distinct enough that Benny could identify the man as a vampire and the girl as a human. Neither seemed to notice Benny and Spike approaching until the two vampires stepped into the clearing and Spike cleared his throat. The girl had just been finishing a sentence that sounded like, "…they visit now and again," when the newcomers grabbed her attention. Both she and the man looked somewhat bewildered by their sudden appearance. Confusion was a feeling that seemed to be going around today.

"Hey, um…" Spike began rather awkwardly, realising how ridiculous this was. "I don't mean to interrupt anything here, but uh, you're a vampire right?" He directed the question at the man, who narrowed his eyes. It looked like Spike had indeed interrupted, and he wasn't happy about it.

"Yes," he snarled rather tersely, but there was still a hint of curiosity in his tone to know who the pair of them were.

"Right, so do you mind telling us where we are?"

The man looked utterly bewildered, and more than a little irritated. "You're in Forks," he snapped, clearly finding the question unbelievably stupid and wanting the two of them just to be gone.

"And where's that? Just down the road from Spoons?"

"Washington," he growled dismissively. "Now if you don't mind, I'm in the middle of something. I claimed this hunting ground first."

His hostility was setting Benny on edge again. His lips twitched as he prepared to bare his teeth, and wished that Dean's old hatchet was something he'd been able to bring with him from Purgatory. "No need to get territorial now, brother. We just want to know how we ended up here."

The man looked like he was about to respond, but that was the point at which the sun revealed itself from behind the clouds again. Immediately, Spike flinched, looking ready to jump back into the shadows, but then paused as he stared down at himself incredulously. Benny only wondered for a moment why he was so afraid of the sunlight before he was forced to stare too. Spike was sparkling. Everywhere the sunlight hit his skin it glinted like it had been smothered in party glitter. When Benny stared down at his own hands, he was mortified to see he was doing the same.

"Oh hell no," Spike snapped, aghast. "I'm sparkling. Why am I sparkling? I mean, it beats burning, but _what?_ " He looked up at Benny then and his horror intensified. " _You're_ sparkling! _He's_ sparkling!" He jabbed a finger at the dreadlocked vampire. "Why are we all sparkling?"

It was with a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach that Benny finally thought this made sense. Or at least, it sort of did. He'd had this conversation once with Dean, back during his first run in Purgatory, about how things had changed for vampires topside and Dean had bemoaned how the lore had been corrupted by romantic teen chick lit.

"Spike," he said gravely, thinking he'd prefer to be back in Purgatory or stuck in Hell over where they currently were. "I think I know where we are."

Spike gave him an astounded yet still mortified look. "Please, feel free to share."

Benny could hardly believe his own words when he answered. "We're stuck in _Twilight._ "


End file.
